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November 4th, 2010


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02:52 am - sometime in 2004, that terrible time
What thoughts did you keep from me and share only with others until I withdrew so far away that you had to cast your thoughts out like a fishing line to reel me in, but by that time, my armour was too strong to let the hook sink in far enough to stay. It would dislodge itself and tear slowly down my sides, so slowly, too slowly to notice the damage it was doing. Not all your fault, but not all my fault. NOT ALL MY FAULT. Fault. (That word looks weird now, as if it is not english). I need to keep my own space, friends, life, ideals, opinions so that I don't create this heirarchy of relationship power from the start and then punish these men for staring down at me as if I were some small worshipping peon. I have to stop creating god-monsters. They are people. No better than I. What makes them seem better - the lack of faults, insecurities, doubts that can be seen because they hide them well and I don't? I can't hide from them and I certainly can't hide from myself. Once I have created this god-monster, I cannot expect to feel uplifted by them, or if so, it would feel like a charity. I need my peers. I wish I could have a peer, not a god-monster. How do I do that without completely withdrawing and turning the god-monster into a wimpering lackey (um that word looks weird too).

sometime on the Nov 2nd-3rd evening morning transition of 2010:
Hmm, mirrors reflecting my shadow self back at me - my own god-monsterness and my wimpering lackeyness? My peonitude and my deitude? That leads to the next post, which is all backwards because it is an older bit of writing.

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